Email Jokes

When Wishes Come True

2007-11-07T08:18:00.000+08:00

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he
sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll
have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the
same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a
steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the
ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be
$12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Malaysian Politics

2007-07-11T13:23:00.000+08:00

Our twin tower is the tallest
Our airport is among the biggest
Our bridge is among the longest
Our court in Jalan Duta is second largest
Despite being the largest, longest and tallest
The maintenance work is the poorest
Our contractors want to complete the fastest
Fixing pipes that are the cheapest
Buying parts that probably the lousiest
Our government buildings are now the dampest
And some dumb MPs will say we are luckiest
Water flow in the house meaning we are bless the most

Our MPs thought they are the smartest
But in reality they are among the dumbest
By making remarks they thought sexiest
Smoking in parliament is very thoughtless
Shouting in parliament is very discourteous
They are probably bunch of uncultivated ruthless
Even though they thought they are cleanest
But Msia corruption index are among the worst
From lowest rank to the highest

Yes the pay rise might be the biggest
But I doubt they are honest
The gift is for BN to remain strongest
Despite all the scandalous cases of dishonest
Voters just being fed with the sweetes

Gomen people driving BMW Merc became fatter,
Rakyat kesian pakai public transport became thinner.

They promise improve this and that infrastructures,
But what we get is still empty containers.

Build more tolls say want to make us better,
In the end the toll we pay getting higher.

Big shots do nothing and gain richer,
Us people work like shit pay tax felt poorer.

We always like to complain about these robbers,
Yet we still vote for these bloody suckers.

The Bishop and the donkey

2007-07-05T13:18:00.000+08:00

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey,so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY?
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life .. stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

Economic Models Explained with Cows- 2007

2007-06-03T10:08:00.000+08:00

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

M.P.

2006-12-20T21:47:00.000+08:00

Interviewer: Your Name?
Interviewee: M.P., Sir.
Interviewer: Tell me properly.
Interviewee: Mohan Pal, Sir.
Interviewer: Your father's name?
Interviewee: M.P., Sir.
Interviewer: What dose that mean?
Interviewee: Manmohan Pal, Sir.
Interviewer: Your native place?
Interviewee: M.P., Sir.

Interviewer: Madhya Pradesh?
Interviewee: No, Munnur Pal, Sir.
Interviewer: What is your qualification?
Interviewee: M.P., Sir.

Interviewer (Angrily): What is it?
Interviewee: Matric Pass.
Interviewer: Why do you need a job?
Interviewee: M.P., Sir.

Interviewer: And what does that mean?
Interviewee: Money problem, Sir.

Interviewer: Describe your personality.
Interviewee: M.P., Sir.

Interviewer: Explain yourself clearly.
Interviewee: Magnanimous personality, Sir.

Interviewer: This discussion is now over. You may go now.
Interviewee: M.P., Sir.

Interviewer: What is it now?
Interviewee: My performance, Sir?
Interviewer: M.P.!!!

Interviewee: What is that, Sir.
Interviewer: Mentally punctured!

SUMATARA

2005-12-20T11:37:00.000+08:00

Sekembalinya dari mengutip ufti dari negara-negara bawah jajahannya,
Datuk Lakasmana Ganesh beserta 100 hulubalang singgah di sebuah pulau
berhampiran Majapahit. Pulau besar yang tiada berpenghuni itu sejak
zaman-berzaman terbiar tanpa pembangunan. Seluruh pulau itu
dijelajahinya, tiada apa pun yang ditemui selain hutan belantara, semak
samun dan binatang-binatang hutan...

Sesampainya dia ke Majapahit dipersembahkanlah hal ini kepada Sultan Sri
Wijaya...

Datuk Laksamana: "Tuanku, patik rasa ada elok juga kalau itu pulau kita
kasi jajah sama dia?"

Sultan: "Sapa ada sana?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Tara sapa"

Sultan: "Apa nama itu pulau?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Tara tau"

Sultan: "Sana ada orang?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Tara"

Sultan: "Rumah?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Tara"

Sultan: "Sign-Board?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Tara"

Sultan: "Apa pun tara?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Hutan ada la, Lain suma tara..."

Sultan: "Okey kalau itu macam kita ambil ini pulau, pasal suma pun tara
dekat situ kita kasi dia nama 'SUMATARA'."

Begitulah ceritanya asal usul nama pulau Sumatara yang sekarang
dipanggil PULAU SUMATERA...

Man in the elevator

2005-12-04T13:29:00.000+08:00

The man walks into a building and gets into the elevator.
He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the second
floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets
into the elevator and leans seductively against the wall.

The man doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous. The
woman begins to unbutton her blouse and
throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws
it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.

Then she says: "Make a woman out of me".

He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies,

"Here, iron that."

Why Doctor Is Highly Paid?

2005-11-30T08:07:00.000+08:00

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised,walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work? "The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ...

> >...
> >
> >
> >...
> >
> >...
> >
> >..."Try to do it when the engine is running".
>
>

Apples and Wine

2005-11-21T13:21:00.000+08:00

Women are like apples on a tree. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men ... they're like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Dealing with a lawyer

2005-11-17T11:19:00.000+08:00

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Kind Lawyer

2005-11-17T10:59:00.000+08:00

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you", the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree". "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high!"

Lesson : Don't trust kind lawyers.

second wish!

2005-11-17T10:56:00.000+08:00

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and waitress turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of
his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick With long legs who agrees with everything I say!

New York Cab Drivers

2005-11-15T12:28:00.000+08:00

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him
the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies
those women have?"

"Most of them become cab drivers," she said.

Be careful when you get into a conversation about a tricky subject

2005-11-13T11:49:00.000+08:00

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not -- don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: F**k

Mathematics, Malaysian-style

2005-11-13T11:47:00.000+08:00

I find it most alarming that Malaysian schools teach our children the wrong things. I mean: can the children really apply what they are taught in school later in life? For example, can you imagine a mathematics question in a recent examination as follows?

"If an egg costs fifty Sen, and if you buy one-eighth of the egg, how much would you have to pay?"

Who in heaven's name will want to buy one-eighth of an egg? The shopkeeper will probably think you are crazy and he will be
equally stupid to break the egg and measure one-eighth for you. Yet, this is how they structure the questions in Malaysian schools. Why not pose questions that would be more useful later in life when you go out into the world to earn your living?

To help Malaysia's Ministry of Education bet to face the realities of life, we are suggesting some questions they could use in our classrooms.

QUESTION 1

If you drive from Kuala Lumpur to Penang along the PLUS Highway and there are four speed traps along the way, and if each speed trap would cost you RM300.00 in fines, how much in fines would you accumulate by the time you reach Penang?

ANSWER (Choose one)
1. I would not suffer any fines as the oncoming cars would flash their headlights and I would slow down before coming to the speed trap.
2. I would only need to pay a total of RM80.00 as I would pay a RM20.00 bribe at each speed trap.
3. I would not be stopped as I am an UMNO Wakil Rakyat so I am exempted from speed traps.

QUESTION 2

If your Bumiputera company is awarded a RM150 million government contract, and you make a 20% profit, how much profit wou he end of the contract period?

ANSWER (Choose one)
1. I will not be making a 20% profit as I would have to pay the Minister 10% and UMNO 5%.
2. I would make 30% profit, which is the progress payment I receive, after which I will abandon the project and let the government call for a re-tender.
3. My company will not make any profit at all as I will siphon out all the profits and show a loss to avoid paying corporate tax.

QUESTION 3

If the ruling party obtained 54% of the popular votes the last election and won 151 or 80% of the seats, and if it saw an increase of 10% in votes this election, how many more seats would it gain?

ANSWER (Choose one)

1. The ruling party will not show a 10% increase in votes, as it will stuff the ballot box with another 20% to give it a 30% vote increase.
2. The ruling party will win a ich are the newly created seats in the delineation exercise recently done.
3. The ruling party has already decided it will win 90% of the seats
and the votes have nothing to do with it.

QUESTION 4

If the national petroleum company, Petronas, pays a 5% royalty to Terengganu State and if the amount paid is RM800,000,000 per year, how much should Petronas have in the bank accumulated over the last 25 years?

ANSWER (Choose one)

1. Nobody is supposed to know as Petronas need not show its accounts to anyone except the Prime Minister and this information comes under the Official Secrets Act.
2. Petronas earns only 50% of its petroleum revenue from Terengganu so Petronas' total income accumulated in the banks over 25 years should be RM800 billion.
3. Petronas has nothing accumulated in the bank as all the money has spent bailing out f panies and finance mega projects.

Men Are Like...

2005-11-11T22:06:00.000+08:00

1. Men are like ....... Laxatives ..... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like ...... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ...... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .......Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ....... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .... .Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
12. Men are like .......Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Robbery Idiots 2004

2005-11-10T14:42:00.000+08:00

Number One Idiot of 2004

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would
be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2004

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot of 2004

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Four Idiot of 2004

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it
in the bag as well, but the cashier re fused and said, because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At that point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the ! police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

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Idiot Number Five of 2004

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2004

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit
the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.

It seems the liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Seven of 2004

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.

When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

People Really Said These Things In Court

2005-11-08T15:07:00.000+08:00

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...

2005-11-06T13:28:00.000+08:00

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

7. I pay your salary!

8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!

9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Profound thoughts

2005-11-04T13:19:00.000+08:00

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shit-head's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but,a true friend
will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

Australian humor

2005-11-03T13:17:00.000+08:00

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Nutty Rhymes & Poems

2005-11-02T13:13:00.000+08:00

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got heart attack.

God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you?

Roses are red, violets are blue
monkeys like u should be kept in the zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
not in the cage but laughing at you.

When your life is in darkness pray to God
ask him to free you from darkness and if after you pray
and you're still in darkness, please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL!

SEVEN DEGREES OF BLONDES

2005-11-01T13:11:00.000+08:00

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and
said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman
wanting to know if the coast is clear."

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her
the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun,
and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts
it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, Shut
up, you're next!"

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*.

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the
capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? Is
it mine?"

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was
about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the
steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."

TEKA TEKI MENGHILANGKAN BORING

2005-09-08T09:14:00.000+08:00

S : Apa dia: ayam di luar, ikan di dalam?
J : Ikan sardin cap ayam.

S : Bebanyak tempat, dimanakah air tidak pernah cerah?
J : Ayer Hitam (Air Hitam)

S : Kalau semua binatang jadi ikan, ikan jadi apa?
J : Ikan jadi banyaklah.

S : Bebanyak ikan, ikan apa yang selalu sakit perut?
J : Ikan kembung.

S : Apa dia: bila kecik dia hitam, bila besar jadi putih?
J : Michael Jackson.

S : Bebanyak singa, singa apa yang tak makan daging?
J : Singapura.

S : Kenapa hidung lembu sentiasa berair?
J : Lembu tak tahu nak kesat hidungnya dengan tisu.

S : Burung apakah yang paling penyayang?
J : Burung belatuk... sebab dia bela atuk.

S : Lembu apakah yang selalu dicari?
J : Lembu apalagi... lembu yang hilanglah.

S : Bom apakah yang tak pernah meletup?
J : Bomba ataupun kuih bom.

S : Kereta apa yang orang tak pernah panggil kereta?
J : Teksi.

A True Story About 2 Sons

2005-06-16T08:42:00.000+08:00

Once, there was a family known as Malaysia. In 1985, they were blessed with their first born, Proton. The family loved Proton all they can. They gave Proton everything. They protected Proton from the bigger boys. In Kindergarden. They told Proton, "You're young, you need protection. From them. It's okay to make mistakes, you're young. Even if you don't learn from mistakes...it's okay...you are young."

Proton became spoilt. He always depended on parents and used up all his allowance on useless things. When he had to do his chores, he paid people to do it and the work is lousy, causing the parents having to call repairmen to fix all the mess that he made.

Anyway, when Proton was 10 (but he still acted like he is 1 or 2 years old), he had a younger brother, Perodua. At first, everyone thought this younger brother will be like Proton. Anyway, this new baby was more handsome and looks smarter than Proton. Malaysia knew there is a possibilty Perodua could be smarter than Proton. Since they love Proton so much, they decided that Perodua can only learn a few things.Cannot learn the same thing as Proton. This is so that Perodua wouldn't beat Proton at what Proton is doing.

Although Perodua was also protected by Malaysia, he learn to be independent very fast. He made good friends with Daihatsu, who had an elder brother Toyota. The two of them helped Perodua in everything. Perodua, being independent and smart, learnt a lot and in a shortwhile, was becoming as good as, if not better, than Proton.

Malaysia realized that Perodua was becoming better than his brother. Although proud of Perodua, they still love Proton best. They paid Lotus (which is older and well known worldwide) to be friends with Proton. Using this advantage, Proton mentioned Lotus everytime he wanted to tell people about himself. On this own, he was still the same.

Moreover, Proton is always not updated. When doing his work, he still uses the typewriter and refuses to use the computer. Perodua, so much younger, used the computer, with broadband for his work. Perodua was improving so much that Toyota has assigned him with his work, codename Avanza.

2005. Proton is 20 years old, Perodua only 10. It was obvious that Perodua was the more successful of the two siblings. What is worse, Proton said he still need his parents to help him for another 10 years. He still need to protection from the big boys. In May 2005, Perodua was about the show Malaysia his best work so far...codename Myvi. Proton, being jealous...quickly came up with an unprofessional remark about Perodua's work and show his work at the same time as Perodua on
Purpose

The future of Malaysia and her two kids are still unknown. But it would be obvious that Perodua will shine, leaving Proton crying. It would be a wonder if in 2015, Proton will ask Malaysia for another 10 years of help and protection...maybe this time...protection from Perodua as well

...........THE END

WHY MEN PEE STANDING UP

2005-06-15T10:15:00.000+08:00

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.

He thought He might just as well ask them.

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing,"

God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!"

On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it.

So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve,"Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains," said God.

Don''t Eat Chicken Sandwiches no matter what

2005-02-24T20:50:00.000+08:00

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked.She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"

A Love Letter And A Reply

2005-01-29T01:56:00.000+08:00

A different Love letter and a beautiful reply to it.
******************************************************

A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his
classmate.

My Dearest Reshma,

Please answer the following questionnaire.
For Options (a)10 marks, (b) 5marks and (c) 3 marks.

1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me
because:
(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... am I doing it?

2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me
because:
(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile

3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you
stopped singing because:
(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song

4) When you were showing your child photo, when I asked for it, you
hide it because:
(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know

5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you
and you took only my friend's because:
(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know

6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...

(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded

7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college
because:
(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them

8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a
rose on your head because:
(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose

9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at
6:00 AM because:
(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual

If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay
in expressing it. If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding
in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less
than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.

Eagerly awaiting your reply..
love,
Aakash

===============================================

Reshma's reply letter was also in Q/A format........
***************************************************
Aakash,
Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.

1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the
class, sees them.
(a) Yes
(b) No

2) If a girl laughs and looks anyone, is it love?
(a) Yes
(b) No

3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she
stop singing or not ?
(a) Yes
(b) No

4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo.
You poked your nose inside..... right
(a) Yes
(b) No

5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you
understand yet?
(a) Yes
(b) No

6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali) at the bus stand?
(a) Yes
(b) No

7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?
(a) Yes
(b) No

8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is
it true ?
(a) Yes
(b) No

9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I
come daily to Temple. Do you know ?
(a) Yes
(b) No

If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not
loving you. If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning
of Love.

Hope everything is clear to you.
Reshma

Two Nuns

2005-01-25T20:59:00.000+08:00

There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!

Blonde Joke

2005-01-21T16:23:00.000+08:00

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and runs for cover. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is scared and runs around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "Fire!!"

Parrots

2005-01-07T11:35:00.000+08:00

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

It is 5:00 AM. Wake up

2004-12-01T09:54:00.000+08:00

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kind of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece !

Priorities differ

2004-11-30T21:56:00.000+08:00

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that you are not wearing a panty and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Where u want to work now

2004-10-20T21:55:00.000+08:00

4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital waiting for their wives to give birth. Soon, a nurse came out from the delivery room and told the first daddy: "Congratulations, you've twins!".

"Oh!..... maybe it's just a coincidence" said the daddy,as I'm working at the Petronas Twin Towers".

Then another nurse came out of the room and told the second daddy: "Congratulations, you've triplets!"

"Wooow!, this is a coincidence, too" said the second daddy. "I am working for 3M Corporation".

A while later, another nurse appeared and told the third daddy:"Congratulations! your wife got quadruplets, Thanks God. Perhaps this is also a coincidence". "I work at Four Seasons Hotel!"

Meanwhile, the fourth daddy-to-be was becoming very worried. All the 3 daddies asked him: "Why do you look so worried?".

He answered,"I work at Seven-Eleven!" :o
>

The Right Person for The Right Chair

2004-09-18T14:36:00.000+08:00

Good reference material for the bosses and future bosses!

Does your Company have a problem in recruiting the right person for the right chair? If yes, try this simple experiment.

Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:

1) If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks - PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT.
2) If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - PUT THEM IN THE ENGINEERING DEPT.
3) If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - PUT THEM IN PLANNING.
4) If they are throwing the bricks at each other - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.
5) If they are sleeping - PUT THEM IN SECURITY.
6) If they have broken the bricks into pieces - PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.
7) If they are staring out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE EXPORT CELL.
8) If they are sitting idle - PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.
9) If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE MATERIALS DEPT.
10) If they are clinging onto the bricks - PUT THEM IN TREASURY.
11) If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN SALES.
12) If they have already left for the day - PUT THEM IN MARKETING.

Last but not least....

13) If they are talking to each other and not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT CELL.

Ghost Story

2004-09-14T11:22:00.000+08:00

Two ghost met and both chat about how they died,
1st ghost : How u died?
2nd ghost : I died of coldness.

1st ghost : How does it feel when you're dying in cold?
2nd ghost : Actually, I was imprisoned in the refrigerator. Initially, I was
shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I flt the whole world
was dark and I died. Fortunately, I died with not much sufferings.

1st ghost : You're so pityful....
2nd ghost : How about you? How did u die?

1st ghost : I died from heart attack.
2nd ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack?

1st ghost : Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man. One day, when I came back from work, I saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone. I must find where that bastard is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in the storeroom, but the bastard was not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing. Because I was too tired of all that running, I got a heart attack and died.
2nd ghost : Why didn't you look for the bastard in the fridge? If you did, both of us were alive now!

Top 5

2004-09-07T23:29:00.000+08:00

Number 5

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft
as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

******************************************************

Number 4

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."

*******************************************************

Number 3

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over
and taps his wife again.
"Do you have dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

*******************************************************

Number 2

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something
was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

**************************************************

Number 1.

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times!" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee the other
is in your oatmeal my love."

TMW - The Malaysian Way

2004-09-07T23:17:00.000+08:00

A Malaysian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then >they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Malaysian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen...

What are the differences between Bill Clinton and Anwar Ibrahim?

2004-09-06T11:25:00.000+08:00

1. Bill Clinton is a President of USA!
Anwar Ibrahim is a resident of ISA!
2. Bill Clinton's favorite tune is sax and symphony!
Anwar Ibrahim's favorite tune is sex and sodomy!
3. Bill Clinton's favorite phrase: Kneel over!
Anwar Ibrahim's favorite phrase: Bend over!
4. Bill Clinton plays saxophone!
Anwar Ibrahim plays sex-at-home!
5. Bill Clinton was shamed by ML (Monica Lewinsky)
Anwar Ibrahim was shamed by MM (Mahathir Mohamed)
6. Anwar Ibrahim's outcome: Demo riots
Bill Clinton's outcome: Demo tapes
7. Bill Clinton got a blow job!
Anwar Ibrahim got a screw job!

Importance of the correct Email address

2004-08-19T18:36:00.000+08:00

A man checked into a hotel.There was a computer in his room, So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Reached
Date : 16 May
2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved
ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that
everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking
forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.s It is damn hot down here !!

Local Jokes

2004-08-19T16:11:00.000+08:00

-----------------------------------------------------------------

China man saw accident.
He call police but dunno English,
He said 1 car come, 1 car go,
1 car bo brake, 1 car bo stop
2 car ping, ping, piang, piang.
Please call e or e or. Thank you.

------------------------------------------------------------------
America has cowboy and cowgirl,
England has madcow,
Hong Kong has Macau,
Russia has Moscow,
S'pore has 2 famous cows-
'Cow-peh and cow-bo'

------------------------------------------------------------------
When ur life is in darkness......
Pray 2 God and ask Him 2 free u from darkness.....
and If ur still in
darkness...Pls rem.2 pay ur TNB bill.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A girl at 15 is a sur-prise
At, 25 she's the Right PRIZE.
At 35, a GRAND PRIZE
At 45, a CONSOLATION PROZE
At 55, she's a DOOR PRIZE
AND At 65, a GIVEAWAY!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Feeling bored? Think of me.
Sad? Call me.
Lonely? See me.
Sleepy? Dream of me.
Hungry eat....................Maggie Mee.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Last nite, I wanted u. needed u so badly that it hurt. I wanted 2 taste
u. I wanted u in me so u could work ur powers on me. But I couldn't find u
.........Stupid Panadol!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

When u see someone with evidently short hair: Hey, have u had a hair
cut?
Ans: No, it's Autumn and I'm shedding
------------------------------------------------------------------------

An angry china man entered a shop and shouted: Where's my free gift
with this cooking oil?

Shopkeeper: What free gift??
China man: Oi, here got put "Cholesterol FREE!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

If u need ADVICE, MSG ME,
If u need DARLING, CALL ME,
If u need HELP, E-MAIL ME,
IF U NEED MONEY, Nombor yang anda dail, tiada dalam perkhidmatan kami,
T.Kasih.

Regular, Cina, and Ah Beng?

2004-08-19T10:19:00.000+08:00

which category do you or your friends fall into?
----------------------------------------------------------------

Today, in Malaysia, there is no longer just the Chinese. Along the way, the Chinese people divided beyond dialects and religious faith. We now have denomination within the Chinese. The major three groups are Regular, Cina, and Ah Beng.

The Regular group is the minority, making up less than 20% of the Chinese people. This group has the following characteristics:
1. Speaks English as the first language.
2. Thinks the world owes them a living.
3. Uses the Internet more than the other two groups combined.
4. Loves the iPod and/or IKEA.
5. Watches one or more of the following TV series: Sex And The City","Friends", or "CSI."
6. Thinks that the Regular group is way larger than it is and makes fun of the other groups, particularly the Ah Beng group. Why? Because it's fun.

Recent studies have also shown that there is a growing splinter group within the Regular group known as the CPWTTANC group. (CPWTTANC is short for Chinese People Who Think They Are Not Chinese.) This growing subgroup are considered elitist by some and are found making statements like "I wish I were in the U.S." or "This never happened when I was studying in Australia." They also tend to speak with an unidentifiable accent..

The women may also prefer to date white men from foreign countries with the excuse that local men just "don't understand me" and have the secret desire to be taken away to the U.S. to live in a sitcom.

The second Chinese group, Cina make up approximately 55% of the Chinese community. (Cina is derived from the Malay word Cina which means Chinese and is pronounced "chee-na". And you will have to say it in a condescending tone for effect.) This group is considered mainstream and contribute to the numbers that reflect development in the country. They are the masses in context of the Chinese community. In other words, if you want to sell something to the masses of Chinese people, the Cina is it.

The Cina are identified by the following traits:
1. Speaks Mandarin or Cantonese as the first language.
2. Generally quiet, self-effacing, and obliging but are actually shrewd and calculative.
3. Sees Taiwan as the place to be.
4. More likely to forward chain email to people in their address book.
5. Goes to Halo Caf?or Wow Wow Caf?BY CHOICE at least three times a year.
6. Has Astro hardwired to Wah Lai Toi.
7. Calls a music video an MTV instead of music video.
8. Knows all the dim sum dishes by name.
9. Seventy percent of lighting at home generated by flourescent lights..

The last group are known as the Ah Bengs . This term was probably made up by the Regulars in the early 80s during the cultural invasion that saw the mass import of music and movies from countries like Hong Kong, Taiwan, and to some extent, Japan. This phenomenon saw the more open-minded and runaway members of the Cina group defect into Ah Bengs and its feminine equivalent, Ah Lian. They just took their Alan Tam and Anita Mui a little too seriously.

Perhaps the most made-fun-of group not only by its own Chinese people but by people of other races, the Ah Bengs are often seen as people living on the edge and have more flamboyant tastes.

One may identify the Ah Beng by these tell-tale signs:
1. Built-in visual self-defense mechanism that keeps people away from them.
2. Have enough amplifiers in their one car to power speakers for six cars.
3. Hair not in their original colour.
4. Volume of voice is automatically five decibels higher than everyone else.
5. Excessive use of the phrase "Kan Ni Na Bu Ciao Chee Bai". (Although, to be fair, some members of the Regular group have been reported to use the phrase on a daily basis as well.)
6. Once a fan of one of the following groups: Vengaboys, Dr Bombay, Aqua, or the Cheeky Girls.
7. Their Proton car does not look like a Proton car due to modifications.
8. For the Ah Lians, have at least one bag fashioned after a furry animal complete with the head.

Kepong Bridge is falling down

2004-08-12T23:04:00.000+08:00

In years to come, our children may be singing this nursery rhyme in the tadikas...

Kepong Bridge is falling down,
Falling down, falling down.
Kepong Bridge is falling down,
My fair Samy.

Take a gag and shut us up,
Shut us up, shut us up.
Take a gag and shut us up,
My fair Samy.

How will we build it up,
Build it up, build it up?
How will we build it up again,
My fair Samy?

Build it up with tax and toll,
Tax and toll, tax and toll.
Build it up with tax and toll,
My fair Samy.

Roads and bridges bend and break,
Bend and break, bend and break.
Roads and bridges bend and break,
My fair Samy.

Blame it on an Act of God,
Act of God, Act of God.
Blame it on an Act of God,
My fair Samy.

Rocks and blames will wash away,
Wash away, wash away.
Rocks and blames will wash away,
My fair Samy.

Parody sing along to "London Bridge Is Falling Down"

How business is done

2004-08-06T03:30:00.000+08:00

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son...

Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : I will choose my own bride.
Jack: But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.
Son : Well, in that case...

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."

This is how business is done!!

Tired of Sex

2004-06-27T20:30:00.000+08:00

So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex, so he goes to join the monastery. But there's a recruitment test. As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits, "My sons, we must be sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. So we have a test for all our prospective members. Take your clothes off, sit on the bench, and attach this bell to the end of your penis. When the naked woman comes into the room, any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. He won't be allowed to join our order, and must leave at once, for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst."

So the men, young and old alike, sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their cocks, waiting expectantly. Then the most beautiful young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line, teasing the men as she goes. Not a sound. Not a single erection, not a single bell rings. Until she gets to the end of the line and pushes her butt into the man's face. Well, it's all too much for him - his cock shoots up, the bell rings furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his erection. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, confused and embarrassed, "I'll just pick it up and leave." So he bends down, naked butt upwards, balls dangling, and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells....

The fool and the fools who follow him

2004-06-26T14:08:00.000+08:00

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a
child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with Vice President Dick Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It is not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!" Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot. It's Tony Blair!"

Paying by installments

2004-05-22T23:55:00.000+08:00

Once, there was a girl who had to go for a operation. Her boyfriend and her blood type were in the same group... so he donated his blood so that she can continue with the operation...

After sometime, the 2 of them starts to have miscommunication and so as the days went by, the love between them starts to diminish. And one day, the girlfriend asked for a breakup... so the guy was very angry and he retorted by saying "I WAnt my blood BAck~!!!"

Hence the girl went in of the toilet and came out, threw at him a bloody kotex pad and said "i'll pay u in monthly installments..."

Y The Chicken X The Road?

2004-04-26T08:33:00.000+08:00

QUESTION - Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:
To get to the other side.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

RONALD REAGAN:
I forget.

ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was

threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was

faced with significant challenges to create and develop

the competencies required for the newly competitive

market. Andersen, in a partnering relationship with the

client,helped the chicken by rethinking its physical

distribution strategy and implementation processes.Using

the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped
the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge,

capital and experiences to align the
chicken people, processes and technology in support of

its overall strategy within a Program Management

framework.

RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken

did NOT cross the road.

COMPUTER PROGRAMMER:
In order for the chicken to cross the road safely they

not only need one driver to access the server farm if

not they will hang in the middle of the road.

JERRY SEINFELD:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone

ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing

walking around all over the place, anyway?"

BILL GATES:
I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which

will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your

important documents,and balance your checkbook.

MAHATHIR:
You know, I am tired of all this..'apa-nama' chicken-

chicken bisnes....the foreign powers should stop

intervening in our domestic affairs and just leave our

chickens alone..... if they want to...'apa nama' cross

the road, they should be allowed to cross the road ..

Malaysia is a democratic country,we let our chickens do

whatever they want to do.... as long as they don't

threaten the Malay unity and try to topple the

government...and if
they plan to do so...we won't hesitate to use the ISA...

ABDULLAH BADAWI:
Ini semua adalah khabar angin sahaja...jangan percaya

khabar-khabar angin ini semua... biasalah ini adalah

taktik pembangkang untuk memecah belahkan perpaduan ayam

- ayam semua...jangan percaya..jangan percaya....

SAMY VELLU
ayyooyoo...belakang cerita lain kali, kita sude bikin

banyak jembatan, itu ayam musti guna jembatan untu

lintas itu jalan lagi pun kalu itu ayam mau pigi jalan-

jalan,beritau sama saya juga, saya bolley buat lebbey

banyak toll........

KARAM SINGH VALIA:
Seperti yang saudara dapat lihat, kelihatan ayam-ayam itu

Sedang melintas jalan, mereka bukan sahaja melintas

jalan Malah membuang najis di atas jalan dan ini adalah

pencemaran Yang paling hebat di maya pada ini.Bapa-bapa

dan ibu-ibu Ayam haruslah mengambil inisiatif untuk

melatih ayam-ayam Agar menahan najis sewaktu melintas

jalan, sekian saya Sudahi dengan.........

Ayam di jalan di lintaskan
Ayam di reban mati tak makan

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?

BILL CLINTON :
I've had so many chicks, I can't remember...

This is wut i call guts

2004-04-25T00:39:00.000+08:00

Prime Ministers from USA, UK and Singapore were travelling on a warship that was cruising near S.Arabia. The 3 were talking about how brave their soldiers were when their cordial discussion
soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own soldiers.

The Pres. of USA said, "let me show u what is guts",where upon he called his Colonel and said "Jump into the sea and swim 3 rounds around this ship!". The Colonel replied "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir", and jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 3 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like mad! After the successful 3 rounds, the Colonel came up to the deck and
said,"I did it for Uncle Sam Mr.Pre sident!". The proud US President replied "That's what I call guts!".

The Prime Minister of UK became aggressive and quickly called his General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 rounds around this ship!". The General replied "Anything for the Queen, Sir", and jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 10 rounds around the ship, with the
sharks chasing him frantically. After the successful 10 rounds the 3-star General came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen!". The proud UK PM replied "That's what I call guts!"

The Prime Minister of Singapore cannot control himself. He had to show that his soldiers have it too. He called one of his Private and & said "Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 15 rounds around
this ship!". The Private replied "Oi, you siao (crazy) izzit?" I juz bought my 4-room and I am paying through my nose. Now, U want me to jump and die, eh? If u want to hao lian (show off), you jump into the sea yourself! The Singapore PM smiled and said "Now, that's what I call guts!".

Origin of F.U.C.K

2004-04-23T18:03:00.000+08:00

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from!

The "rule of the thumb" is derived from an old English law that stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honeymoon."

In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had the consent of the King(unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King & he gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.U.C.K. (Fornication Under Consent of King) on it. Now you know where that came from .

Interesting to learn English, aint it?

Language Jokes

2004-04-22T23:20:00.000+08:00

Condom says to Kotex, "When you work, I lose seven days of business."
Kotex replies, "If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine months!"

A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: "Why do you have your tits on your back?"
The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face!"

A black guy and a white girl met at a nite club. She took
him to her apartment and said: "tie me to the bed and do what black men do best!" so he ran off with the TV and VCD...

Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!"
Husband: "I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE every morning!"

A Chinese couple got married. When baby was born, her eyes were big and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown. Finally, name of the baby was SAM TING LONG ("some thing wrong")

A lady visited her doctor one morning. Doc said: "You look so weak and exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3 times a day as I advised?
Lady : "Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!"

Phone rings and maid picks up the phone as her master is
bathing.....
When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid Replied: "MASTURBATING."(master bathing)

1st Grade Student

2004-04-21T16:48:00.000+08:00

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question.

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Shake hands."

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

2004-04-21T16:42:00.000+08:00

Friends and Fellows,
I'd like to share all the forwarded jokes I've collected in my archives with you from today onwards. Hope you people like it. Do send me jokes that you'll like me to publish here

Computer Freak

2004-03-19T12:16:00.000+08:00

Husband (A computer Professor) returning late from work:

Husband: "Hi dear. I'm logged in"
Wife: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or file name
Wife: But I told you in the morning ?
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort, retry, cancel?
Wife: What about my new TV ?
Husband: Variable not found
Wife: At least, give me your credit card. I need to do some shopping
Husband: Sharing violation. Access denied
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you
Husband: Data type mismatch
Wife: You are useless
Husband: By default
Wife: What about your salary ?
Husband: File in use. Try after some time
Wife: Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband: System is unstable. Press ALT + CTRL + DEL to reboot
Wife: Are you going to have some snacks ?
Husband: File system full
Wife: What is the relation between you and your receptionist ?
Husband: only user with WRITE permission
Wife: What is my value in this family ?
Husband: Unknown virus
Wife: Do you love me or your computer or you're being just funny ?
Husband: Too many parameters !
Wife: I will go to my dad's house.
Husband: This program has performed an illegal operation and will be terminated
Wife: I'll leave you forever
Husband: Close all programs and logout and then login as another user
Wife: It's worthless talking to you
Husband: Shutdown the computer
Wife: I'm going
Husband: It's now safe to turn off your computer

Ah Beng Jokes

2004-02-13T16:59:00.000+08:00

(Act 1)
Ah Beng calls the telephone operator:
Ah Beng: "Could you please tell me the time difference between Singapore and New York?"
Operator: "Just a minute..."
Ah Beng: "Thank you."
Ah Beng got his answer and cut off the line.

(Act 2)
At a bar in New York, the man sat next to Ah Beng told the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
and his companion said, "JACK DANIELS,SINGLE."
The bartender turned to Ah Beng and asked, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Ah Beng replied: "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

(Act 3)
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime,
Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me only 5 MONTHS to do it," Ah Beng said.
"FIVE MONTHS? Why did you take so long." the friend asked.
Ah Beng replied, "No, it is not long at all, look ! at the box, it says it is for 4 to 7 years".

(Act 4)
Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition.
During the Q&A segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."
The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!". Others exclaim, "No, its Grape Juice!"
Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"
Host : "Quiet please."
Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying,
"C'mon man, I don't need their help? I got more original answer. My answer is "Gu ni!" (milk in Hokkien)

(Act 5)
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he encountered some problems.
After a few attempts, he decided to use the 'Help' command.
Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer shop for support.
Ah Beng : "I pressed the 'F1' key for help... but it's been over half an hour & still nobody has come to help me...."

(Act 6)
In the class.
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother."
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo.
So if they walk together, we can say they are 'Cow Pay Cow Boo'."

(Act 7)
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and
he answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring lor- but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So Kena lor!""Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to the other ear?"
Ah Beng: "That stupid fellow called back again loh!"

(Act 8 )
Why did Ah Beng go to! a movie with his 18 friends?
Because according to the advertisement, below 18 is not allowed to go in

How Kiasu can we be?

2004-02-04T13:49:00.000+08:00

Must Read and Sure Laugh! How Kiasu Can We Be?

A family in Singapore were puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the States. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter that reads:

Dear brothers and sisters,
I am sending our mother's body to you since it was her wish that she should be cremated in Singapore. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leaves are consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ahma's body, 12 packets of Kor-Lay-Sim, 10 packets of American chocolates and packets of Lap Cheong. Please divide these among all of you. On Ahma's feet you will find a new pair of Nike shoes(size 10) for Ah boy. Also, there are 2 pairs of Reeboks for Ah Mei's and Ah Lien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ahma is wearing 6 Polo T-Shirts. The large size is for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new Levis that Ahma is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ahma's left wrist. Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei, Ahma is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Also, the box of Estee Lauder cosmetic under Ahma's head is for you. Please take them.The 6 white cotton socks that Ahma is wearing must be divided among my teenager nephews. Please distribute all these uniformly and if anything more required let me know, since our Ah Pa is also not keeping well nowadays I can send all required things when our AhPa............

Malaysian Jokes

2004-02-03T21:40:00.000+08:00

Kuih ape yang bungkusnya di dalam, isinya di luar?
Kuih salah bikin.

Binatang ape power Karate?
Kuda belang.cube kira brape black belt dia ade.

Siape yang menemukan dompet kulit?
Yang menemukan dompet kulit tersebut tolong pulangkan
kepada saye.

Pintu ape yang walaupun dengan 10 org pun tak leh nak
tolak?
Pintu yang ade tulis 'TARIK'

Saya ade 3 kepala,4 tangan dan 5 kaki...siapakah saya?
Pembohong...

'Apa dia 'Jauh di mata, dekat di hati...'?
Usus

Binatang ape yang seluruh anggota tubuhnya kat kepala?
Kutu rambut

Nenek sape jalannya meloncat-loncat?
Neneknye si katak

Knape lelaki jarang kene penyakit anjing gila?
Sbb lelaki ni kan 'buaya'

Ape beza sekretari baik ngan sekretari kurang baik?
Sekretari baik..................'Selamat pagi tuan'
Sekretari kurang baik...........'Dah pagi ni tuan'

Ape persamaan Michael Jordan ngan Michael Jackson?
Dua-dua tak kenal korang...hehe

Tukang ape yang kalau dipanggil, die menjenguk ke atas?
Tukang gali kubur

Nak mencari sikit punye susah, bile dah dapat buang, ape bendanya?
Tahi hidung

Ape persamaan kain jemuran ngan telefon?
Dua-dua kalau dah 'kringgg' bole diangkat...

Knape pokok kelapa kat depan rumah harus ditebang?
Mestilah kene tebang, sape nak cabut pokok kelapa ...gile ape...

Gajah terbang dengan ape?
Dengan susah payah......

Liar Clock

2004-01-13T21:55:00.000+08:00

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Ah Beng in India

2003-09-29T07:47:00.000+08:00

Bombay......
Ah Beng was travelling in a crowded bus. As he took out his wallet to pay the fare, his passport-size photograph accidentally fell from his pocket. He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor, below the ends of a woman's long sari.

He asked her "Can you lift up your sari? I wanna take photograph"He was beaten up so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital.

He was surprised to see his Singaporean friend, Ah Seng, on the bed next to him, in a worse condition. Ah Seng explained what happened to him. He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the owner whether he can stay there for the night. The owner replied "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".

He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night. The owner replied, "I have 3 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay". He went to the next house and asked: "Do you have grown up daughters?" The Owner asked, "WHY?????????" Ah Seng replied, "I wanted to stay here for a night....." The next thing he knew, he was in the hospital bed.

The moral of the story is "Words get you into deep trouble,if you don't use it correctly"

Learning Japanese

2003-09-25T12:24:00.000+08:00

Learning Japanese

1. How does a broken hearted Japanese call himself?
Hatikukecewa.

2. What does a Japanese say to a girl when he wants to harass her?
Marikuraba.

3. How to call a dirty-minded Japanese?
Otakukoto.

4. How does a group of Japanese boys say when they want to f***
a girl?
Ramaiboleka.

5. How to call a cheap Japanese prostitute?
Pukimura.

6. How does a flat-chested Japanese girl describe herself?
Tetekurata.

7. What does a Japanese man say to a refused Japanese girl?
Maukasika.

8. How does a Japanese man ask a girl if his d*** is small?
Konekukecika.

9. How does a Japanese man invite girl to have sex with him?
Maumainka.

10. How does a Japanese ask if they are hairy?
Adalebatka.

More Sex Jokes

2003-09-20T23:50:00.000+08:00

SEX jOkEs

(1)
4 miracles of a woman:

getting wet without taking a shower

bleeding without getting hurt

giving milk without eating grass

and making boneless flesh hard.

(2)
A man bumps into a woman and says "So sorry ma'am. If your heart is as soft as your breasts, you will forgive me "
The lady replies: "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I am in room 603"

(3)
Q : How do the Talibans seduce their women?
A : First they attack their twin towers, then they crash into their pentagon.

(4)
Girls reaction to penis sizes:
9" - oh shit pain!
7" - oh yes, yum!
6" - oh perfect!
5" - mmm ok!
4" - push more
3" - is it in?
2" - idiot! Just use your tongue.

(5)
Ever wondered why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Airport (flat)
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake

(6)
During pregnancy:
The 1st three months, do it the normalstyle.
Next three months do it the doggy style.
And the last three months do it the wolf style. sit outside the hole and howl.

(7)
What did Newton's dick say to him after seeing a nude woman?
"Fuck you and your law of gravity, I'm going UP."

(8)
Man was sobbing in a bar. His friend asked 'why?'
He said: "my wife makes me pay $ 100/- for every Fuck!"
Friend said: "you're lucky, she charges others $ 250/-"

(9)
Lady scolds her maid for inefficiency.
Angry maid says, " at least I am better than you in bed."
Lady (amazed): "Did boss tell you this?"
Maid: "No, the driver did."

(10)
What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
"After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."

(11)
A wife complains to the doctor that her hubby is 300% impotent.
The doc asks "how 300%?"
She says: "you know about the 100%, and now he has broken his finger and burnt his tongue."

(12)
Teacher: "why buffaloes get depressed after milking?
Student: "Ma'am, if your boobs are rubbed for 2 hours & then you are left unfucked how would feel?

(13)
Policeman arrested a prostitute.
Prostitute: "I'm not selling sex!
Policeman: "Then what are you doing?"
Prostitute: "I'm selling condoms and offering free demo.

Interview Stories

2003-08-29T08:24:00.000+08:00

Story I

E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.
E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u!
C: Why?
E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. and my company doesn't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.

Story II
E: Any girl friends?
C: No.
E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.
E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider this personal issue.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?
E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!

Story III
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?
E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because my company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.

Story IV
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.
E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.

Story V
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Have a few already.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshoper"! (Job hoper lah!)

Story VI
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: No.
E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our company is dealing with money and you will seduce.

Story VII
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: Yes, very rich. He owns a company.
E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend doesn't even want to employ you, neither do we!
C: But,...... there is no position in his company.
E: Then,..... what is your qualification?
C: Secretary!
E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness will affect our managers' working spirits.
C: But,...... I am not pretty at all.
E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested in you!!

Idiot Going Heaven

2003-08-28T20:19:00.000+08:00

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knew, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; If not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up and said, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings". With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of! "With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair." Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."

The idiot went to Heaven.

12 Sex Jokes

2003-08-25T00:06:00.000+08:00

Joke # 1
3 guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi, I'm Peter not a saint.
I'm Paul not a Pope.
I'm John not a Baptist..
The girl replied: Hi! I'm Mary not a Virgin.

Joke # 2
Q: What was the cause of the break up between Prince Charles and Lady D?
A: Lady D discovers that not all rulers have 12 inches.

Joke # 3
Virgin male on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what to do.
MOM: Put your biggest thing on her hairiest thing.
SON: OK. I got my nose in her armpit. Now what?

Joke # 4
OLD MAN: Can you give me an erection?
FAITH HEALER: I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer,but I'm sorry I cannot raise the dead.

Joke # 5
2 employees were caught naked and having sex in the office by the guard.

GUARD: Aha! Violating company rules!
MAN: What rule?
GUARD: Not wearing uniforms.

Joke # 6
Q: What is the difference between Biology and Sociology?
A: If the baby looks like the father, that is biology. If he looks like the neighbor, that's sociology.

Joke # 7
Q: Define Impotence?
A: It's nature's way of saying "NO HARD FEELINGS"

Joke # 8
A husband was asked: Do you talk to you wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.

Joke # 9
At the movie house.
GIRL: Honey, the man beside me is masturbating.
BF: Just ignore him dear.
GIRL: I can't. He's using my hand!!

Joke # 10
Q: Why was the 2 piece bikini invented?
A: To separate the meat section from the dairy
section.

Joke # 11
Boy 1: Why did you run away from the naked lady?
Boy 2: Because my mom said that if I look
at a naked lady I will turn to stone and
a part of me was already getting hard!!

Joke # 12
A camel and an elephant met.
The elephant asked the camel
Why do you have your breasts on your back?
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of
modesty replies. What a silly question from
someone who has a dick on his face

Malaysian English

2003-08-14T15:42:00.000+08:00

Who says our English is teruk (bad). Just see below - Ours is simple, short,concise, straight-to-point, effective etc.

The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it economically when communicating their intentions. Compare these phrases that Malaysians and Britons use to say the same thing: So, why make things so confusing and waste of money when you are on a long distance call. Make it snappy and succinct.

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: Sorry a .. No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hallo, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY.
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kews (Excuse)

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians: No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (while pointing at door) Can or not?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Doe-waaaan! (don't want)

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree
with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shaddap lah! (Shut up lah)

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Why like that???? (jumping to conclusion)

20 Lame Jokes

2003-08-14T02:18:00.000+08:00

1.) A 95 year old man sucks his 90 year old wife's breast fro half and hour and drinks 2 drops of milk.

POSTMORTEM REPORT - death due to drinking milk after EXPIRY DATE !!

2.) Husband reading a book on bed with wife beside. His finger went to tease wife's pussy.
Wife ask quot; "You want sex"?
Husband answer "No", just want to wet my finger to turn the page.

3.) Rooster & Cat going over bridge. Cat slips & falls into river. Rooster can't stop laughing.

Moral of story? Whenever there's a wet pussy, there's a happy cock.

4.) There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil got pregnant!! Which Male pencil is responsible?

THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.

5.) Girls' reaction to penis sizes:
10" : Oh shit, pain !
8" : Oh yes, shiok !
6" : Ohhh, perfect !
5" : Ohmm, Ok !
4" : Push more !
3" : Is it in?
2" : Idiot ! just use your tongue !

6.) Thank you for calling 1900- NEEDSEX hotline. For hot sex press 1. For breast sex press 2. For combo sex press 3. For oral sex press 4. To end this call press your Balls !!

7.) Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings! "YES".. OK, BYE".
She turns to her lover and says, THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.

8.) 3 Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!

9.) What's the most difficult GOLF COURSE in this world?
INTER COURSE. do matter how many strokes or what style you play, your balls will never go in !!

10.) FACT : Women can get a 2 inch wide penis into 1.5 inch vagina in pitch-dark, but can't get a fucking 15 feet car into a 40ft parking space in broad daylight !!

11.) Teacher asked : Which part of the body goes to heaven first? A kid name Johnny reply... the LEGS.. because every night I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING....

12.) COCK says to his two BALLS: I am going to take you with me to party.
BALLS said: You fucking liar!!! You always get INSIDE and leave us waiting OUTSIDE !!!

13.) 3 Guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi,.... I'm Peter, not a saint.
I'm Paul not a POPE.
I'm John not a Baptist...
The girl replied.. Hi.. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.

14.) Q: Why do men have pubic hair?
A: A nest for their bird...
Q: Why do women have pubic hair?
A: A resting place for the coming bird !!!

15.) What does it mean when a girl offers PEPSI to a guy :
P : Please
E : Enter
P : Penis
S : Slowly
I : Inside
Ahhhhh... Shiok....

16.) Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time. Mistresses are Tomyams.. Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently. WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!
(LOL!!)

17.) Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied : I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!

18.) A Girl who opens her hand receives gifts.Open her heart receives love.But when she opens her legs, she receives happiness.

19.) Yesterday's News:- A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was raped by 4 guys.
Today's News :- Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the park.

20.) Why do Indians talk non stop?

guess....

Still dunno?

OK lah.....

Answer : Becoz they left their full stop on their forehead

ENGINEER'S VALENTINE POEM

2003-08-08T10:24:00.000+08:00

>I was alone and all was dark,
>Beneath me and above
>My life was full of volts and amps
>But not the spark of love.
>
>But now that you are here with me
>My heart is overjoyed,
>You turn the square of my heart,
>Into a sinusoid.
>
>You load things from my memory,
>Onto my systems bus.
>My life was once assembly code,
>Now its C++.
>
>I love the way you solder things,
>My circuits you can fix.
>The voltage across your diode is,
>much more than just point six.
>With your amps and resistors,
>You have built my integrator.
>I cannot survive without you,
>You are my function generator.
>
>You have charged my life,
>Increased my gain and made my maths discrete.
>And now I'll end my poem,
>Control, Alt, and Delete

Complain Letter

2003-07-22T17:04:00.000+08:00

Funny Complaint Letter of a TP student.

Pls pass it around to other poly studentz or sec sch studentz.

Real funny, THIS IS NOT A SPAM!!!

Dear Principal,

Complain on Temasek Polytechnic School Fee lim bei ka li kong, you have charge me with unfair school fee. Lim bei bo join any student union wat 4 charge me wif student union fee! KNN... i attachment outside still charge me internet access fee, ke si ar! Yio siew, u think lim bei rich ar! KNN i work till siao also jus barely make it. Still retain me for 1 sem. u think everyone makin $$ like u all ar. Kaoz...
Econ bad leh... still dun gif discount stay for 3 years liao, discount a bit cannot ar. Ge Gao! i go buy food for 2 weeks auntie oso charge less, somemore i study TP 3 years liao still no rebate. still wan me to pay
extra $$. KNN, next time u try ppl overcharge u lar.

Wa lao eh, last time tt indian principal let us play dai dee in school, u now come liao then cannot play. wat freakin problem u have!!! u cant win in dai dee also cant stop us from playin wat. All work n no play make us dumb students k! u read so much still dunno ar. wat kinda of a freakin principal r u! u think u big ar! ur size big onli. do nuttin n earn so much! na bei take my school fee go play mahjong issit! kaoz, pay so much but facilities still so bad. canteen no air con, so many birds fly here, fly there. U think funny issit!

swimmin pool so small, somemore no lady life guard. and the dance studio no ppl dancin air con still on, u think air con bill u pay one ar! waste my money on unuse air con! somemore the sports facilities oso lao ya one, basketball bo hong, squash ball buay tiao. na bei, u think funny issit!

I oso wanna tok bout the lab ar, KNN build more lab lar! free access always full. and we use to have a set of equipment each for lab but now 2 person share 1. u sell the rest issit! earn profit still raise school fee! u outside earn so much then still kapok our school fee. Ke si ar! u so good then go SP lar.SP big school and more students, u can exploit them wat. u think TP students hao qi fu ar! Burn ur car then u know. So rich ar, employ a security to "protect" ur car somemore still got 1 video cam. u think u drive sports car or Limo?! u car onli Nissan Sunny, act machiam like very high class like tt. Ppl drive Benz oso park outside ar.

All Poly got fast food except TP, u go build 1 fast food resturantlar...damn pai seh u noe, ppl always make fun TP no fast food. Carona oso bo yong... u keep so many Kois for wat, u think our school fee for u to buy Kois ar!

i hope that u charge less (better if no need pay school fee).Otherwise undesirable action will be taken against you and your damn car!.

from a very buay song student,
T0uy@ Ak|r@

Before and After

2003-07-20T17:01:00.000+08:00

Do consider before making the commitment. Seek the elderly for advice.

* Before marriage.. I die for you..
* After marriage.You die, up to you.
* Lagi lama married.. You die I help you!

* Before marriage.. You go anywhere..I follow you.
* After marriage...You go anywhere..up to you.
* Lagi lama married...You go anywhere...better get lost!!

* Before wedding -
* "you are my heart, you are my love"
* After wedding -
* "you get on my nerves."

* Before wedding -
* "you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella"
* After wedding -
* "you are worse than godzila."

* Before wedding -
* Roses are red, violets are blue
* Like it or not, I'm stuck with you
* After wedding -
* Roses are dead, I am blue
* You get on my head, I will sue you

* Before wedding -
* Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La
* After wedding -
* You want to go, he says you wait-long-long-la

* Before wedding -
* She looks like Anita Sarawak
* After wedding -
* Don't know whether katak or biawak

* Before wedding -
* Weekends at Cameron, Genting and Fraser's Hill
* After wedding -
* Furthest you go is Bukit Timah Hill

* Before wedding -
* He opens the car door
* After wedding -
* He opens his mouth and snores

* Before wedding -
* She / he was your ideal
* After wedding -
* She / he becomes your ordeal

* So beware of the consequences

MyKad ( The Scary Future )

2003-07-17T11:48:00.000+08:00

This is quite funny & can also consider it to be scary.... check it out.

THE NAKED CARD(15/07/03)- The multi-purpose MyKad is the latest version of our perpetually metamorphosing IC. With an embedded smart chip, it can also store our medical history, driver's license, act as an ATM card, serve as
an electronic purse and even be used at the National Library. However, a recent experience by a holder brought to light the questionable control on access, potential information abuse and privacy infringement. As the belated debate rages on, I can foresee a likely scenario when ordering pizzas in the near future...

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Rumah Attap. May I have your..."
Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your MyKad number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on...... 6102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Dhaljeet Singh and you're
calling from 17 Jalan Awan Hitam, off Jalan Ipoh. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the MyKad system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is 99.99 Ringgit..."
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank 6720.55 Ringgit since October last year"
Customer: "Mera Lund Choong..." [Translation]
Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan Sir.

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: "Kuti!" [Translation]
Operator : "According to the details in your MyKad, you own a Comel Scooter, ...registration number WOB 1123..."
Customer: "Tera peh thenoo picheyo kush karda hunda!" [Translation]
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"

Customer: [Speechless]
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "

Global Jokes

2003-07-09T05:07:00.000+08:00

The largest study into global humour has come up with the
following most popular jokes. As part of an experiment by Laugh Lab, the organization behind the project, 70 people from around the world submitted their best jokes and rated those sent in by others during the course of a year.

Here are the Top 10 :-

Top joke in UK:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says "That's the ugliest baby that I have ever seen. Ugh!". The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her "The driver just insulted me!" The man says "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead. I'll hold your monkey for you."

Top joke in USA:

A man and a friend are playing golf. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer. His friend says "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever see. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

Top joke in Canada:

When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300oC. The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia:

A woman rushes in to see her doctor, looking very worried and all strung out. She rattles off "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out and I had this corpselike look on my face. What's wrong with me, doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes and then calmly said "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with youreyesight...."

Top joke in Belgium:

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

Top joke in Germany:

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say "That's not it" and puts it down again. This went on for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said "That's it."

Top joke in England:

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams "I slept with your mother!" The bar goes quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first one again yells "I slept with your mother!" The other says "Go home, Dad, you are drunk."

Top joke in Wales:

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know - it all happened so fast."

Top joke in Scotland:

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers!

Top joke in Northern Ireland:

A doctor says to his patient "I have bad news and worse news." The patient asks "Oh dear, what's the bad news?" The doctor replies "You only have 24 hours to live." "That's terrible" said the patient and added "How can the news possibly be worse?" The doctor replies "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

Naughty Poems

2003-07-08T03:59:00.000+08:00

|*NaUgHtY PoEmS*|

POEM # 1

I like your style
I like your class
but most of all i like your ass

POEM # 2

Im a cool girl, in a cool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down

POEM # 3

Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says i love you
You believe its true
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says 'to hell with you'
10 minutes of pleasure
9 months in pain
3 days in hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never wouldn't have happened
If the rubber wouldn't have torn

POEM # 4

Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.

POEM # 5

Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.

POEM # 6

Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.

POEM # 7

Holy mother, full of grace
Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one i sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fucked
And if my Mom happened to walk in
Bless the shit I'd be in.

POEM # 8

Sex is when a guys communication
enters a girls information
to increase the population
for a younger generation
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstration

POEM # 9

Men are like public toilets
They are either engaged or full of shit!

POEM # 10

If guys had they periods
They would compare the size of their tampons!

POEM # 11

Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!

POEM # 12

Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When I think of you
Ohh baby I get horny,
Eat me,
Beat me,
Bite me,
Blow me,
Suck me,
Fuck me,
Very slowly,
if you kiss me,
dont be sassy,
Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!!
Poem #13

Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue...
I'm In Love But Not With You...
When We Broke Up You Thought I Cried
But All It Was...
Was Another Guy,
You Told Your Friends That I Was A Trick,
I Told Mine That You Had A Weak Dick...
I Said I Loved You
And You Thought It Was True,
But Guess What Baby?!
You Got Played Too!!

Poem #14

Guys are like parking spots...
the good ones are always taken...
and the ones that are available,
are either handicapped or too far away!! *Darny*

Bank of Canada

2003-06-21T08:16:00.000+08:00

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one
day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.
"Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a
lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000
that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

George Bushh and President of China

2003-06-20T19:47:00.000+08:00

George Bush and the president of China

George Bush: "Condoleeza! Nice to see you. What's happening?"
Condoleeza Rice: "Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China."
George: "Great. Lay it on me."
Condoleeza: "'Hu' is the new leader of China."
George: "That's what I want to know."
Condoleeza: "That's what I'm telling you."
George: "That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes."
George: "I mean the fellow's name."
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The guy in China."
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The new leader of China."
Condoleeza: "Hu."
George: "The Chinaman!"
Condoleeza: "Hu is leading China."
George: "Now whaddya' asking me for?"
Condoleeza: "I'm telling you Hu is leading China."
George: "Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?"
Condoleeza: "That's the man's name."
George: "That's whose name?"
Condoleeza: "Yes."
George: "Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East."
Condoleeza: "That's correct."
George: "Then who is in China?"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Yassir is in China?"

Condoleeza: "No, sir."
George: "Then who is?"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Yassir?"
Condoleeza: "No, sir."
George: "Look, Condoleeza. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone."
Condoleeza: "Kofi?"
George: "No, thanks."
Condoleeza: "You want Kofi?"
George: "No."
Condoleeza: "You don't want Kofi."
George: "No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Kofi?"
George: "Milk! Will you please make the call?"
Condoleeza: "And call who?"
George: "Who is the guy at the U.N?"
Condoleeza: "Hu is the guy in China."
George: "Will you stay out of China?!"
Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
George: "And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N."
Condoleeza: "Kofi."
George: "All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone."

Hokkien Jokes

2003-06-20T08:47:00.000+08:00

Ah Lian called Ah Beng over the telephone.
Lian: " Beng, I can't get my new jig saw puzzle fixed, mah-chiam all the edges cannot fix together, leh."
Beng: " Jig saw puzzle si mi picture, ha?"
Lian: " The box show a big rooster, kanna like the one in talkingcock.com ".
Beng: "Okay, lah, okay, lah. I come over to hepchu, lah."

Ah Beng arrives at Ah Lian's place, where she happily leads him to the kitchen table where the jigsaw puzzle is. Ah Beng examines the puzzle and says, "Kan ni na, put back the corn flakes into the box, lah."

Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients. He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?" Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc.But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio,the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!"

The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs.Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on... " At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa pang jio in the fridge again!"

QUESTION : How do you know frogs are Hokkien?
ANSWER : Because when it's cold, they go "kwah,kwah, kwah".

QUESTION : How do Hokkien prawns laugh?
ANSWER : Hae hae hae (hokkien for prawns)
QUESTION : How do Hokkien fish laugh?
ANSWER : Hee hee hee (hokkien for fish)

QUESTION : What's the difference between ang-mor and Hokkien fairy Tales?
ANSWER : Ang-mor fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." and Hokkien fairy tales begin with "Lim Peh ka li kong..."

Great Analogies

2003-06-19T20:49:00.000+08:00

Friends are like an underwear, always a comfort to have;

Good Friends are like condoms, always protective;

Great Friends are like Viagra, they help you up when you are down.

Human Anatomy

2003-06-19T20:38:00.000+08:00

Subject: Parts of body...

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties to thirties, a woman's breasts are like melons,round and firm. In her Late thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties to thirties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard and firm In his late thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration.

Another 8 Sex Jokes

2003-06-16T16:50:00.000+08:00

Number 8
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" thebartender inquired. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Number 7
A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replied, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

Number 6
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Number 5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, she got fired too."

Number 4
A man was visiting his wife in a hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she let out a sigh. The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough. The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happen to which the man replied, "She choked."

Number 3
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Number 2
A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he noticed a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black guy looked down upon the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small guy fainted!! The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him to, slapping his face and shaking him.

He asked the small white guy, "What's wrong?"

Our petite friend said, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The black giant looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown"

The white guy sighed, "Oh, thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around!!'"

Number 1
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night? "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

6 Sex Jokes

2003-06-16T16:49:00.000+08:00

Joke 1
Boy goes 4 Blood Test. Nurse takes the sample but
can't find cotton so she Sucks his Finger! Boy is so
happy he asks, Can I gat a Urine Test also?

Joke 2
Do u know why guys fart louder? Because in between his
legs, there is 1 microphone & 2 speakers.

Joke 3
A wife asks hubby how many women he had slept with?
Husband proudly replies only u darling; with others I
was awake!

Joke 4
A man ask doc. how to live longer?
Doc ask him :U Smoke?
Ans : No
U drink?
Ans No.
U play mahjong?
Ans No
U like sex?
Ans No.
Then U want to live so long 4 what?

Joke 5
A group of Ah-beng 1 2 go disco. Outside the disco
there is a notice, only 18 & above is allowed.
Ah-beng: walau wey, there only 17 of us.

Joke 6
Phone rings & maid picks up phone as her master is
bathing.... Wen the caller asked what is he doing, the
maid replied "mastur bating"

M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I

2003-06-16T09:40:00.000+08:00

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives........."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' about sex? I'm a just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!

Ice Kacang

2003-06-10T08:42:00.000+08:00

"u r my ice kacang,
in dis tropical heat,
u r my favourite dessert (ooh lala)
so inviting, so sweet....

would u like to bubur cha cha
come along and dance wif me (shoo be doo wop)
cos u r my one, my one atap chi,
someone i love to eat!!"

Perkataan Berlawan

2003-06-03T09:43:00.000+08:00

Cikgu: Hari ini cikgu nak uji kamu semua tentang perkataan berlawan. Bila Cikgu sebutkan perkataannya, kamu semua mesti menjawab dengan cepat, lawan bagi perkataan-perkataan itu, faham?
Murid-murid : Faham, cikgu!

Cikgu : Saya tak mahu ada apa-apa gangguan.
Murid-murid : (senyap)

Cikgu : Pandai!
Murid-murid : Bodoh!

Cikgu : Tinggi!
Murid-murid : Rendah!

Cikgu : Jauh!
Murid-murid : Dekat!

Cikgu : Keadilan!
Murid-murid : UMNO!

Cikgu : Salah!
Murid-murid : Betul!

Cikgu : Bodoh!
Murid-murid : Pandai!

Cikgu : Bukan!
Murid-murid : Ya!

Cikgu : Oh Tuhan!
Murid-murid : Oh Hamba!

Cikgu : Dengar ini!
Murid-murid : Dengar itu!

Cikgu : Diam!
Murid-murid : Bising!

Cikgu : Itu bukan pertanyaan, bodoh!
Murid-murid : Ini ialah jawapan, pandai!

Cikgu : Mati aku!
Murid-murid: Hidup kami!

Cikgu : Rotan baru tau!
Murid-murid : Akar lama tak tau!

Cikgu : Malas aku ajar kamu!
Murid-murid : Rajin kami belajar cikgu!

Cikgu : Kamu gila!
Murid-murid : Kami siuman!

Cikgu : Cukup! Cukup!
Murid-murid : Kurang! Kurang!

Cikgu : Sudah! Sudah!
Murid-murid : Belum! Belum!

Cikgu : Mengapa kamu semua bodoh sangat?
Murid-murid : Sebab saya seorang pandai!

Cikgu : Oh! Melawan!
Murid-murid : Oh! Mengalah!

Cikgu : Kurang ajar!
Murid-murid : Cukup ajar!

Cikgu : Habis aku!
Murid-murid : Kekal kami!

British Signs

2003-05-30T02:58:00.000+08:00

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRINGYOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Mispronunciation

2003-05-27T20:24:00.000+08:00

No wonder our girls could not get the "Miss Singapore Title" .
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.
It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting
with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Ligh t bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!

MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with "L"
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini
Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!

MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", they decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
The Judge fainted..!!!

ANSWERING MACHINE AT MENTAL FACILITY

2003-05-27T03:49:00.000+08:00

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.....
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

Don't Wanna go to Iraq

2003-05-27T03:26:00.000+08:00

A deserter GI was running down a road escaping from two MPs. He came to a
fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.

He asked her ,"Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later."

The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.

She replied, "He went that way".

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said.

" I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said she understood.

The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

Engineer

2003-05-27T03:15:00.000+08:00

My husband was an engineer. Since I met him, he was always an unflappable rock in my life. I knew he always had his feet firmly planted on the ground, and it seemed that no matter what else went crazy, he would be the one constant.

Three years of romance, and two years of marriage later, I got tired. He was the most unromantic man I know. He never bought me flowers, he never surprised me, and nothing changed in our marriage.

After some time, I finally found the courage to tell him that I wanted to leave him. He just sat there, speechless. My heart froze... what kind of man was I married to that didn't even know what to say to make me stay?

After a while, he spoke, "What can I do to change your mind?". "I will stay if you can give me a good answer to this question," I replied coldly.

"If I asked for a flower that grew on a cliff, and you knew that getting it for me means certain death, would you get it for me?". His face grew troubled.

"Can I give you an answer tomorrow morning?" he asked.

Hearing that kind of answer, my heart died. I knew that I could never be happy with a man who couldn't even give me a answer straight away.

The next morning, when I woke up, he was missing. In the living room, under a warm glass of milk, was a note. My eyes grew misty as I read it...

"Dear, I have my answer. I will never pick the flower for you if it meant certain death. But before you leave, I hope you can give me a chance to give you my reasons....

You will always sit in front of the computer and type about for the whole day, but everytime you will end up in tears cause your formatting will always go all over the place... I need my fingers, to do the formatting for you, so your tears will become smiles.

You like to travel, but would always get lost... I need my eyes, so that I can bring you to the nicest places on earth.

Everytime you leave the house, you would always forget your keys... I need my legs, so that I can run home to open the door for you.

You never knew how to take care of yourself... I need my hands to help you get rid of the pesky white hair you hate so much when you grow old, to trim your nails, to feed you.

So you see, that's why I can't pick the flower for you. Until I find someone who loves you more than I do, I will need my body to take care of you.

If you accept my reasons, then open the door, where I will be waiting with your favourite muffin."

With tears streaming from my eyes, I opened the door, and there he stood, with a extremely worried look on his face. He still had nothing to say, but just stood there waving the packet he had in his hand in front of me. And then I knew for a fact that I will never find another man who will ever love me as much as he does.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have...

Kiasu Singaporeans

2003-05-24T01:28:00.000+08:00

Chinese Names Translation

2003-05-23T08:49:00.000+08:00

Just a joke to brighten your day!
I think its so hilarious...especially if you know Mandarin.Be careful when you choose a name for your child or grandchild, or they cud becomes laughing stock...

Anne Chang (in Mandarin) - dirty

Anne Chin (in Mandarin) - keep quiet

Faye Chen (in Mandarin) - dusty

Carl Cheng (in Hokkien) - buttock

Monica Cheng (in Hokkien) - touching your buttocks

Michael Tan (in Cantonese) - selling eggs

Lucy Liaw (in Hokkien) - you are dead

Judy Soo (in Malay) - lost in Gamble

Jane Tan (in Mandarin) - fried egg

Suzie Leow (in Hokkien) - Lost till death

Henry Tan (in Hokkien) - let you wait

Henry Mah (in Mandarin) - hate your mum

Corrine Tai (in Hokkien) - poor fellow

Paul Chan (in Mandarin) - bankrupt

Nelson Tan (in Mandarin) - bird laying eggs

Jason Tan (in Mandarin) - thief laying eggs

Leslie Tong (in Mandarin) - rubbish bin

Nelson Chong (in Mandarin) - worms infested bird

Carmen Tng (in Hokkien) - Leg hair long

Connie Mah (in Cantonese) - call your mum

Francis Yip (in Cantonese) - sweet potato leaf

Chou Chee Bai(in Hokkien) - smelly pussy

Danny See (in Hokkien) - squeeze you to death

Rosie Teng (in Hokkien) - screw and nail

Tsai (in Hokkien) - like shit

Maisy Koh (in Cantonese) - never die before

Accountants

2003-04-21T16:52:00.000+08:00

Hi, I am fwding this msg to the three accountants in the house, so read n see who is who !!! hahaha......I particularly like the last sentence of the
whole text., quite sound like WHong !!! hahahaha......
cc. Aun, Huong , Leok n Qi for u all to be the judge ! .......Jenny Oo

Three accountants go to the men's room to relieve themselves.

The first one finishes and walks over to the basin to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry them carefully, using paper towel after paper towel until every spot of water is gone. He turns to the other two
accountants and says, "Management Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second one goes over to the basin, washes his hands and then dries them with one paper towel, using every corner of it until every spot of water is gone. He says, "CPAs are trained to be extremely thorough
but also extremely efficient."

The third accountant walks straight to the door. "Chartered Accountants learn never to piss on themselves."

How do you know you've met a good tax accountant?
He has a loophole named after him.

Accounting will prove anything. Even the truth.

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire.

"What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter
"Public Practitioner," is the reply.
"Name?"
He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.
"Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span," says St Peter.
"How can that be?" says the accountant. "I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight"
"No, that's impossible. "
"Why do you say that?"
"Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three."

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.
"Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."
"How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.
"That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts".
The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"

The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."

The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x101."

The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."

The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I am glad that we discussed this important question.

The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."

The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"

The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and
said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"

Having a Bad Day?

2003-04-19T07:56:00.000+08:00

Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know.

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying,"Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't
believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real setback for me; I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and when I heard his voice, "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. I'm with the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you'd be interested in our caller ID program?"

"No!" he shouted and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

Keep reading this, it gets better!

Some time later I was looking for a parking spot at the shopping center. An old lady really took her time pulling out of a parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great", I thought, "she's finally leaving."

All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping center as if I didn't even exist. I thought to myself, "This guy's another asshole; there sure are a lot of assholes in this world."

Then, I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the phone number. Then, I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really easy since I have his number on speed dial now.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW there on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings, someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Sure..."
"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.
Then, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.

I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now, when I had a problem I had two assholes to call.

Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with this solution:

First, I had my phone speed dial asshole #1.
A man answered nicely, "Hello?"
I yelled, "You're an asshole!" but I didn't hang up.
The asshole said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "Make me."
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
So I told him, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!" and I hung up.

Then I called asshole #2.
Don Hansen answered, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole."
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, asshole." And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was on my way to 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got there. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious satisfaction! Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

Now you know what to do if you have a really bad day.