Global Jokes

The largest study into global humour has come up with the
following most popular jokes. As part of an experiment by Laugh Lab, the organization behind the project, 70 people from around the world submitted their best jokes and rated those sent in by others during the course of a year.

Here are the Top 10 :-

Top joke in UK:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says "That's the ugliest baby that I have ever seen. Ugh!". The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her "The driver just insulted me!" The man says "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead. I'll hold your monkey for you."

Top joke in USA:

A man and a friend are playing golf. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer. His friend says "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever see. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

Top joke in Canada:

When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300oC. The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia:

A woman rushes in to see her doctor, looking very worried and all strung out. She rattles off "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out and I had this corpselike look on my face. What's wrong with me, doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes and then calmly said "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with youreyesight...."

Top joke in Belgium:

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

Top joke in Germany:

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say "That's not it" and puts it down again. This went on for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said "That's it."

Top joke in England:

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams "I slept with your mother!" The bar goes quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first one again yells "I slept with your mother!" The other says "Go home, Dad, you are drunk."

Top joke in Wales:

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know - it all happened so fast."

Top joke in Scotland:

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers!

Top joke in Northern Ireland:

A doctor says to his patient "I have bad news and worse news." The patient asks "Oh dear, what's the bad news?" The doctor replies "You only have 24 hours to live." "That's terrible" said the patient and added "How can the news possibly be worse?" The doctor replies "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."