Why Doctor Is Highly Paid?

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised,walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work? "The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ...

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> >
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> >...
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> >...
> >
> >..."Try to do it when the engine is running".
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Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on a tree. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men ... they're like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Dealing with a lawyer

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Kind Lawyer

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you", the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree". "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high!"

Lesson : Don't trust kind lawyers.

second wish!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and waitress turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of
his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick With long legs who agrees with everything I say!

New York Cab Drivers

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him
the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies
those women have?"

"Most of them become cab drivers," she said.

Be careful when you get into a conversation about a tricky subject

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not -- don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: F**k

Mathematics, Malaysian-style

I find it most alarming that Malaysian schools teach our children the wrong things. I mean: can the children really apply what they are taught in school later in life? For example, can you imagine a mathematics question in a recent examination as follows?

"If an egg costs fifty Sen, and if you buy one-eighth of the egg, how much would you have to pay?"

Who in heaven's name will want to buy one-eighth of an egg? The shopkeeper will probably think you are crazy and he will be
equally stupid to break the egg and measure one-eighth for you. Yet, this is how they structure the questions in Malaysian schools. Why not pose questions that would be more useful later in life when you go out into the world to earn your living?

To help Malaysia's Ministry of Education bet to face the realities of life, we are suggesting some questions they could use in our classrooms.

QUESTION 1

If you drive from Kuala Lumpur to Penang along the PLUS Highway and there are four speed traps along the way, and if each speed trap would cost you RM300.00 in fines, how much in fines would you accumulate by the time you reach Penang?

ANSWER (Choose one)
1. I would not suffer any fines as the oncoming cars would flash their headlights and I would slow down before coming to the speed trap.
2. I would only need to pay a total of RM80.00 as I would pay a RM20.00 bribe at each speed trap.
3. I would not be stopped as I am an UMNO Wakil Rakyat so I am exempted from speed traps.

QUESTION 2

If your Bumiputera company is awarded a RM150 million government contract, and you make a 20% profit, how much profit wou he end of the contract period?

ANSWER (Choose one)
1. I will not be making a 20% profit as I would have to pay the Minister 10% and UMNO 5%.
2. I would make 30% profit, which is the progress payment I receive, after which I will abandon the project and let the government call for a re-tender.
3. My company will not make any profit at all as I will siphon out all the profits and show a loss to avoid paying corporate tax.

QUESTION 3

If the ruling party obtained 54% of the popular votes the last election and won 151 or 80% of the seats, and if it saw an increase of 10% in votes this election, how many more seats would it gain?

ANSWER (Choose one)

1. The ruling party will not show a 10% increase in votes, as it will stuff the ballot box with another 20% to give it a 30% vote increase.
2. The ruling party will win a ich are the newly created seats in the delineation exercise recently done.
3. The ruling party has already decided it will win 90% of the seats
and the votes have nothing to do with it.

QUESTION 4

If the national petroleum company, Petronas, pays a 5% royalty to Terengganu State and if the amount paid is RM800,000,000 per year, how much should Petronas have in the bank accumulated over the last 25 years?

ANSWER (Choose one)

1. Nobody is supposed to know as Petronas need not show its accounts to anyone except the Prime Minister and this information comes under the Official Secrets Act.
2. Petronas earns only 50% of its petroleum revenue from Terengganu so Petronas' total income accumulated in the banks over 25 years should be RM800 billion.
3. Petronas has nothing accumulated in the bank as all the money has spent bailing out f panies and finance mega projects.

Men Are Like...

1. Men are like ....... Laxatives ..... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like ...... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ...... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .......Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ....... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .... .Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
12. Men are like .......Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Robbery Idiots 2004

Number One Idiot of 2004

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would
be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

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Number Two Idiot of 2004

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

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Number Three Idiot of 2004

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

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Number Four Idiot of 2004

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it
in the bag as well, but the cashier re fused and said, because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At that point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the ! police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

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Idiot Number Five of 2004

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

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Idiot Number Six of 2004

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit
the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.

It seems the liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.

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Idiot Number Seven of 2004

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.

When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

People Really Said These Things In Court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

7. I pay your salary!

8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!

9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Profound thoughts

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shit-head's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but,a true friend
will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

Australian humor

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Nutty Rhymes & Poems

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got heart attack.

God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you?

Roses are red, violets are blue
monkeys like u should be kept in the zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
not in the cage but laughing at you.

When your life is in darkness pray to God
ask him to free you from darkness and if after you pray
and you're still in darkness, please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL!

SEVEN DEGREES OF BLONDES

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and
said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman
wanting to know if the coast is clear."

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her
the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun,
and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts
it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, Shut
up, you're next!"

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*.

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the
capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? Is
it mine?"

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was
about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the
steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."