Interview Stories

Story I

E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.
E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u!
C: Why?
E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. and my company doesn't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.

Story II
E: Any girl friends?
C: No.
E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.
E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider this personal issue.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?
E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!

Story III
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?
E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because my company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.

Story IV
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.
E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.

Story V
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Have a few already.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshoper"! (Job hoper lah!)

Story VI
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: No.
E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our company is dealing with money and you will seduce.

Story VII
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: Yes, very rich. He owns a company.
E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend doesn't even want to employ you, neither do we!
C: But,...... there is no position in his company.
E: Then,..... what is your qualification?
C: Secretary!
E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness will affect our managers' working spirits.
C: But,...... I am not pretty at all.
E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested in you!!

Idiot Going Heaven

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knew, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; If not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up and said, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings". With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of! "With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair." Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."

The idiot went to Heaven.

12 Sex Jokes

Joke # 1
3 guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi, I'm Peter not a saint.
I'm Paul not a Pope.
I'm John not a Baptist..
The girl replied: Hi! I'm Mary not a Virgin.

Joke # 2
Q: What was the cause of the break up between Prince Charles and Lady D?
A: Lady D discovers that not all rulers have 12 inches.

Joke # 3
Virgin male on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what to do.
MOM: Put your biggest thing on her hairiest thing.
SON: OK. I got my nose in her armpit. Now what?

Joke # 4
OLD MAN: Can you give me an erection?
FAITH HEALER: I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer,but I'm sorry I cannot raise the dead.

Joke # 5
2 employees were caught naked and having sex in the office by the guard.

GUARD: Aha! Violating company rules!
MAN: What rule?
GUARD: Not wearing uniforms.

Joke # 6
Q: What is the difference between Biology and Sociology?
A: If the baby looks like the father, that is biology. If he looks like the neighbor, that's sociology.

Joke # 7
Q: Define Impotence?
A: It's nature's way of saying "NO HARD FEELINGS"

Joke # 8
A husband was asked: Do you talk to you wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.

Joke # 9
At the movie house.
GIRL: Honey, the man beside me is masturbating.
BF: Just ignore him dear.
GIRL: I can't. He's using my hand!!

Joke # 10
Q: Why was the 2 piece bikini invented?
A: To separate the meat section from the dairy
section.

Joke # 11
Boy 1: Why did you run away from the naked lady?
Boy 2: Because my mom said that if I look
at a naked lady I will turn to stone and
a part of me was already getting hard!!

Joke # 12
A camel and an elephant met.
The elephant asked the camel
Why do you have your breasts on your back?
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of
modesty replies. What a silly question from
someone who has a dick on his face

Malaysian English

Who says our English is teruk (bad). Just see below - Ours is simple, short,concise, straight-to-point, effective etc.

The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it economically when communicating their intentions. Compare these phrases that Malaysians and Britons use to say the same thing: So, why make things so confusing and waste of money when you are on a long distance call. Make it snappy and succinct.

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: Sorry a .. No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hallo, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY.
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kews (Excuse)

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians: No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (while pointing at door) Can or not?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Doe-waaaan! (don't want)

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree
with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shaddap lah! (Shut up lah)

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Why like that???? (jumping to conclusion)

20 Lame Jokes

1.) A 95 year old man sucks his 90 year old wife's breast fro half and hour and drinks 2 drops of milk.

POSTMORTEM REPORT - death due to drinking milk after EXPIRY DATE !!

2.) Husband reading a book on bed with wife beside. His finger went to tease wife's pussy.
Wife ask quot; "You want sex"?
Husband answer "No", just want to wet my finger to turn the page.

3.) Rooster & Cat going over bridge. Cat slips & falls into river. Rooster can't stop laughing.

Moral of story? Whenever there's a wet pussy, there's a happy cock.

4.) There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil got pregnant!! Which Male pencil is responsible?

THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.

5.) Girls' reaction to penis sizes:
10" : Oh shit, pain !
8" : Oh yes, shiok !
6" : Ohhh, perfect !
5" : Ohmm, Ok !
4" : Push more !
3" : Is it in?
2" : Idiot ! just use your tongue !

6.) Thank you for calling 1900- NEEDSEX hotline. For hot sex press 1. For breast sex press 2. For combo sex press 3. For oral sex press 4. To end this call press your Balls !!

7.) Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings! "YES".. OK, BYE".
She turns to her lover and says, THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.

8.) 3 Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!

9.) What's the most difficult GOLF COURSE in this world?
INTER COURSE. do matter how many strokes or what style you play, your balls will never go in !!

10.) FACT : Women can get a 2 inch wide penis into 1.5 inch vagina in pitch-dark, but can't get a fucking 15 feet car into a 40ft parking space in broad daylight !!

11.) Teacher asked : Which part of the body goes to heaven first? A kid name Johnny reply... the LEGS.. because every night I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING....

12.) COCK says to his two BALLS: I am going to take you with me to party.
BALLS said: You fucking liar!!! You always get INSIDE and leave us waiting OUTSIDE !!!

13.) 3 Guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi,.... I'm Peter, not a saint.
I'm Paul not a POPE.
I'm John not a Baptist...
The girl replied.. Hi.. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.

14.) Q: Why do men have pubic hair?
A: A nest for their bird...
Q: Why do women have pubic hair?
A: A resting place for the coming bird !!!

15.) What does it mean when a girl offers PEPSI to a guy :
P : Please
E : Enter
P : Penis
S : Slowly
I : Inside
Ahhhhh... Shiok....

16.) Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time. Mistresses are Tomyams.. Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently. WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!
(LOL!!)

17.) Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied : I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!

18.) A Girl who opens her hand receives gifts.Open her heart receives love.But when she opens her legs, she receives happiness.

19.) Yesterday's News:- A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was raped by 4 guys.
Today's News :- Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the park.

20.) Why do Indians talk non stop?

guess....

Still dunno?

OK lah.....

Answer : Becoz they left their full stop on their forehead

ENGINEER'S VALENTINE POEM

>I was alone and all was dark,
>Beneath me and above
>My life was full of volts and amps
>But not the spark of love.
>
>But now that you are here with me
>My heart is overjoyed,
>You turn the square of my heart,
>Into a sinusoid.
>
>You load things from my memory,
>Onto my systems bus.
>My life was once assembly code,
>Now its C++.
>
>I love the way you solder things,
>My circuits you can fix.
>The voltage across your diode is,
>much more than just point six.
>With your amps and resistors,
>You have built my integrator.
>I cannot survive without you,
>You are my function generator.
>
>You have charged my life,
>Increased my gain and made my maths discrete.
>And now I'll end my poem,
>Control, Alt, and Delete