Wednesday, November 07, 2007

When Wishes Come True

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he
sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.


The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same,"
says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll
have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the
same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a
steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the
ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be
$12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a
tall chick
with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Malaysian Politics

Our twin tower is the tallest
Our airport is among the biggest
Our bridge is among the longest
Our court in Jalan Duta is second largest
Despite being the largest, longest and tallest
The maintenance work is the poorest
Our contractors want to complete the fastest
Fixing pipes that are the cheapest
Buying parts that probably the lousiest
Our government buildings are now the dampest
And some dumb MPs will say we are luckiest
Water flow in the house meaning we are bless the most

Our MPs thought they are the smartest
But in reality they are among the dumbest
By making remarks they thought sexiest
Smoking in parliament is very thoughtless
Shouting in parliament is very discourteous
They are probably bunch of uncultivated ruthless
Even though they thought they are cleanest
But Msia corruption index are among the worst
From lowest rank to the highest

Yes the pay rise might be the biggest
But I doubt they are honest
The gift is for BN to remain strongest
Despite all the scandalous cases of dishonest
Voters just being fed with the sweetes

Gomen people driving BMW Merc became fatter,
Rakyat kesian pakai public transport became thinner.

They promise improve this and that infrastructures,
But what we get is still empty containers.

Build more tolls say want to make us better,
In the end the toll we pay getting higher.

Big shots do nothing and gain richer,
Us people work like shit pay tax felt poorer.

We always like to complain about these robbers,
Yet we still vote for these bloody suckers.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

The Bishop and the donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey,so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day.



MORAL OF THE STORY?
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life .. stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Economic Models Explained with Cows- 2007

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

M.P.

Interviewer: Your Name?
Interviewee: M.P., Sir.
Interviewer: Tell me properly.
Interviewee: Mohan Pal, Sir.
Interviewer: Your father's name?
Interviewee: M.P., Sir.
Interviewer: What dose that mean?
Interviewee: Manmohan Pal, Sir.
Interviewer: Your native place?
Interviewee: M.P., Sir.

Interviewer: Madhya Pradesh?
Interviewee: No, Munnur Pal, Sir.
Interviewer: What is your qualification?
Interviewee: M.P., Sir.

Interviewer (Angrily): What is it?
Interviewee: Matric Pass.
Interviewer: Why do you need a job?
Interviewee: M.P., Sir.

Interviewer: And what does that mean?
Interviewee: Money problem, Sir.

Interviewer: Describe your personality.
Interviewee: M.P., Sir.

Interviewer: Explain yourself clearly.
Interviewee: Magnanimous personality, Sir.

Interviewer: This discussion is now over. You may go now.
Interviewee: M.P., Sir.

Interviewer: What is it now?
Interviewee: My performance, Sir?
Interviewer: M.P.!!!

Interviewee: What is that, Sir.
Interviewer: Mentally punctured!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

SUMATARA

Sekembalinya dari mengutip ufti dari negara-negara bawah jajahannya,
Datuk Lakasmana Ganesh beserta 100 hulubalang singgah di sebuah pulau
berhampiran Majapahit. Pulau besar yang tiada berpenghuni itu sejak
zaman-berzaman terbiar tanpa pembangunan. Seluruh pulau itu
dijelajahinya, tiada apa pun yang ditemui selain hutan belantara, semak
samun dan binatang-binatang hutan...

Sesampainya dia ke Majapahit dipersembahkanlah hal ini kepada Sultan Sri
Wijaya...

Datuk Laksamana: "Tuanku, patik rasa ada elok juga kalau itu pulau kita
kasi jajah sama dia?"

Sultan: "Sapa ada sana?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Tara sapa"

Sultan: "Apa nama itu pulau?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Tara tau"

Sultan: "Sana ada orang?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Tara"

Sultan: "Rumah?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Tara"

Sultan: "Sign-Board?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Tara"

Sultan: "Apa pun tara?"

Datuk Laksamana: "Hutan ada la, Lain suma tara..."

Sultan: "Okey kalau itu macam kita ambil ini pulau, pasal suma pun tara
dekat situ kita kasi dia nama 'SUMATARA'."

Begitulah ceritanya asal usul nama pulau Sumatara yang sekarang
dipanggil PULAU SUMATERA...

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Man in the elevator

The man walks into a building and gets into the elevator.
He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the second
floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets
into the elevator and leans seductively against the wall.

The man doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous. The
woman begins to unbutton her blouse and
throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws
it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.

Then she says: "Make a woman out of me".

He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies,

"Here, iron that."